Getting your child up and ready for school can be a daily challenge, even when they are excited to go out and learn. Establishing a morning routine for kids, which often starts with a good nighttime routine and includes a healthy breakfast, is a good way to set them up for success. Check out some of our favorite morning routine ideas for school to get inspiration.

However, some days your child just doesn’t want to go to school. As a parent, you might find these situations frustrating and troubling. Starting the morning off with an argument won’t help either of you have a good day. And if your child is consistently saying they don’t want to go to school, it might be indicative of a larger issue.

So, what happens if you wake up one morning and your child doesn’t want to go to school? These tips on what to do and say will help you stay calm, be positive, and, most importantly, help your child maintain a love of school.

5 things to say (and do) when your child says, “I don’t want to go to school”

1. “I wonder…”  

When you hear that your child doesn’t want to go to school, the first thing you should do is put on your detective hat. Take a step back and think. Why are they saying that they don’t want to go to school today? As a parent, you often already know what is difficult for your child at school and otherwise. Are they struggling with certain subjects or skills? Are they feeling social anxiety or isolation in the classroom?

You are more equipped to handle these statements than you realize! But, if you are rushing through the morning routine and your child says they don’t want to go to school, you might forget to acknowledge where they are struggling. Instead of focusing on the clock, take a moment and think to yourself, “Hmmm, why don’t they want to go to school right now?”

Once you’ve thought this through on your own, bring it up to your child as a wondering question. Here are some examples:

• “I wonder if you don’t want to go to school today because you know your sister is staying home today.”
• “I wonder if it’s because you have gym today and I know you don’t like going to gym.”
• “I wonder if it’s because you are feeling mad that we just turned off the TV mid-episode and it’s tough to manage those feelings.”

2. Focus on the positives at school. 

Sometimes, children just need to be reminded of all the fun that they have at school that they might not remember at the moment. Maybe it’s Monday morning after a long weekend or school break or maybe they are just extra groggy from sleeping. 

Try these statements to get your little one ready for the day ahead:

• “I know you love playing with your pal John at recess, you have that to look forward to at school today!”
• “I know you’ll enjoy finishing that space art project that you’ve been telling me about today in class. Maybe you can ask your teacher when it will be coming home or displayed at school - I can’t wait to see it.”

3. Highlight some of their recent successes. 

Sometimes we just need someone to remind us that we are already successful. Let your child hear that you believe in them. The trick here is to be specific. The more details the better. 

Adapt this to highlight your child’s success at school:

“You know, I hear that you don’t want to go to school. Dad and I have recently noticed you doing so many things that used to be tricky. You have moved up three reading levels, you take care of your own morning routine with almost no reminders (you made your own breakfast today!), and your writing has really improved. Remember last year when you couldn’t write a whole sentence without help? Now look at you, you just wrote a whole page all by yourself. You are a writing machine!”

4. Empathize and don’t offer solutions.

Sometimes children just want their parents to know that it’s hard. Doing work, transitioning from wearing a mask at school, navigating social problem solving, focusing in the classroom, doing math/reading, the list goes on! It can all feel very hard and they want us to truly feel that with them. 

Sometimes offering up solutions and trying to redirect your child away from what is hard leaves them feeling alone. Feeling alone in one’s struggles makes those struggles feel bigger and scarier. Connection is powerful. When you feel you have a partner, someone who truly understands, suddenly the hard thing doesn’t feel as big and scary. 

Therefore, if you have tried to say all sorts of things and your child continues to moan about going to school, just try to sit with them in their discomfort or angst.

You can say:

“Ugh, I know, school is so hard! You work really hard and sometimes it just feels like it’s too much.” 

And just leave it at that. As hard as it is. Don’t try to fix anything. See if they rally and find a silver lining on their own. It might not happen the first time but if you do this from time-to-time they eventually might come around and say, “You know what, it’s not all bad, I’m looking forward to science class today because we are dissecting an owl pellet.”  

5. Relate and make a plan. 

If your child says they don’t want to go to school, you can let them know that you sometimes feel that way too! Inform them that what helps you is making a plan. Knowing what to expect and what’s coming next often relieves anxiety. 

You can say: 

“I hear that you don’t want to go to school. Sometimes I feel like that when I have to go to work. You know what I do? I make a plan for what I will do first when I get to work and something to look forward to at the end of the work day. Let’s think of what the first thing is that you will do when you arrive at school today. Now, let’s think of something that you know you can look forward to after school.”

Whether it is adjusting to going back to school after the weekend, a break, or remote learning, dealing with a child who doesn’t want to go can be difficult. The most important thing to remember is to stay calm. Yelling will not help the situation and it might make the mornings before school even tougher. Work as a team with your child and you will see results!