Transitions, both big and small, can be hard for children. No one wants to stop what they are doing, especially if they are engaged in it, and switch to something else. Transitioning from long summer days into back-to-school mode is a big transition for all children and often takes kids longer to adjust to than their adults may realize.

Parents often ask their children after their first day of kindergarten, or even at the end of their first week of school, “So how did you like it?” To which the child responds that it was great. When the parent replies, “Great because you are there for the whole year,” the child’s jaw drops, “You mean I have to go back?” 

School feels VERY different from home and that’s because it is! It's busy, there are unfamiliar people, and things aren’t as tailored to the child. It's louder and busier, and of course the learning curve is steep, not just academically but in all the ways: Names, routines, traditions, unspoken social rules, directions from teachers, the school building itself. It’s a lot to adjust to.

This learning and the necessary coping skills required to manage it doesn’t stop in early September. But, by October, you can reassess how they are transitioning and make adjustments if necessary. Here are some ways to tell how the transition is going.

Separation: Smooth or still bumpy?

Is your child still having a hard time saying goodbye at the classroom door and/or melting down at school pickup time?

Feedback from teachers

Check in with your child’s teacher to hear how they may or may not be adjusting to classroom life.

Listen to your child

Your child may come right out and tell you themselves, “I miss my old school” or “I don’t like rest time, it feels scary.”

Observe at-home behavior

Is your child looking “together” and organized in the morning, smoothly moving through with the age-expected amount of parental help? Of course there are always tears and bumps, but if they seem to know their morning routine and move through it with some degree of confidence, that tells you a little something as to how their transition into their school year is going.  

What can you do to help when the transition into the school year is taking longer than expected? How can you help pave the way to a smooth transition? Even this far into the year, it’s not too late to start.

Partner with the teacher

You must partner with the teacher. Try to meet or speak with them and share your concerns. Many teachers have a good amount of experience with this and will also know to listen to you for suggestions as to how they can help. They will be the experts on separation, school goodbyes, and transitions for children at this developmental stage and you will be the expert on your individual child which includes their past experiences and individual differences. 

Both sets of knowledge are critical if things have been bumpy. If the teacher seems unable to speak or meet, or if you aren’t seeing eye to eye, you can speak with the school director or principal and ask for their partnership in helping to pave the way for a smooth transition. 

Use a home calendar

Choose a calendar that allows your child to see the days one week at a time. Mark fun weekend events or activities and mark school days with the words “School” and a picture of their school building. Have them help you cross out the days.

Lean on your routines

Keep routines at home very predictable. It’s not time to suggest that late night walk to soothe their soul. Nope, it’s bedtime at the same time each night, with the same exact things leading up to bedtime, whatever they may be. Dinner, bath, pajama playtime, 2 books, a song, and a kiss goodnight. 

Kids thrive on predictability. Being “a cool parent” and doing magical activities in the evening is only comforting or helpful when it is atop that solid routine, which stays in place and provides a sense of safety and continuity, especially if the transition into the school year has been bumpy.

Build their confidence

One of the best ways to build your child’s confidence is to remind them that they are good at solving problems and they can cope with tricky moments. Acknowledge their growth by saying things like, “Hey you couldn’t do that over the summer and now you can!”

Then, think with them about what they are “in charge of”, where they are able to choose how to respond when something feels hard. That may sound like this: 

“Dad, I don’t want to go to school, Daisy won’t play with me anymore. She said she’s not my friend.” 

Your first instinct is to fix that. As a parent we want to explain it away or make it OK. But instead, you need to do two things: 

• Repeat it back to them to show you were listening, empathize, show them you understand how that must feel
• Have them think with you about what they can do. Do not fill in the blank for them. 

So that might sound like this: 

• Dad: “I know, I hear you, that sounds really hard, you don’t want to go to school. It's sad and uncomfortable to think that maybe Daisy won’t want to be your friend today. I wonder what you could do? Hmmm…Maybe, I don’t know…Do you have any ideas? “
• Child: “NO, that’s why I’m telling you this.”
• Dad: “Then let's both think about it some, I wonder what you could do that you don’t need Daisy for when you walk into the classroom or out for recess? Hmmm.”
• Child: “I like the science table, maybe I’ll just think about starting there since I like science stuff.”
• Dad: “That’s an idea. You always come up with ideas!”

Don’t feel like you need to solve it. Keep it open like maybe there will be more ideas forthcoming. 

Attend school events and make playdates

There is safety in community. When children feel that home school connection, that bridge between their two worlds, school starts to feel more like an extension of their home life and overall community, as opposed to this foreign planet that they are dropped off at each day. 

I know, parents have to work. It’s hard and definitely a luxury to be available for all of these sorts of afternoon or evening things. You don’t need to do all of them. Pick a school event that you can be excited to attend together and plan a playdate with one friend. 90 minutes, at your home or theirs. 

Playgrounds are fun but children may end up running in different directions. If your child is looking to bond with a classmate, a quiet at-home, screen free, playdate would be best to deepen the home school connection with a peer that your child has been mentioning. If you aren’t sure who to ask, ask your child’s teacher.

By communicating and deepening the connection between home and school, creating a predictable routine, and building your child’s confidence, you are paving the way for this transition to smooth itself out. There will always be bumps in the road between summer and fall, just be sure to model some emotional resiliency for your child. They are watching and learning how best to cope with tricky moments from their role model: YOU! You got this!