Toddlers live in the moment. These moments are characterized by feeling either strong and powerful or little and helpless. During the second and third years of a child’s life, they have tantrums as they realize that their wants and wishes don’t always align with those of the family and caregivers around them. They do not yet have the coping skills, nor can they meaningfully verbalize their feelings, which leads to these tantrums. 

Parents have the difficult task of needing to respond to just about all demands, at all hours, in the most balanced and regulated way that they can. It’s a tall order for parents but we do our best to hold the line while keeping our cool and responding with gentleness and empathy.

But aside from maintaining the calm and showing up with relentless patience, what else can parents do? 

How can parents help their toddler express their feelings?

1. Mirror and model language

Parents can observe their child and mirror their child’s feelings using words. “Ugh, I know, you are so mad that the cup you wanted isn’t here. You are so mad.” Parents should focus on using simple and concrete words to help their child directly relate to the feelings they are having. “Look at her happy smile!” OR “Your tower fell down. You are sad. Your face looks sad.” 

Parents can also model emotional expression by talking out loud, in earshot of their child, about how they themselves are feeling. “I was going to have a nice time reading my book but I can’t find it. I feel frustrated that my book isn’t where I thought it was.” 

Showing your child that you understand them by putting words to their feelings, as well as using words to express how you yourself are feeling, in a calm but expressive way, helps your child connect with how to express themselves. 

Tips: 

• Use age-appropriate language, including the length of the sentences/utterances, as well as age-appropriate vocabulary.
• Include emotional validation as part of the mirroring so the child feels that it’s OK to feel how they feel. For example, “It’s OK to be sad when you get a boo-boo.”

2. Use books as emotional learning tools

Reading picture books creates a space for children to process emotions outside of the moment. The illustrations are a visual tool that children use to make sense of experiences both their own and those of others. Practice pointing to and labeling the emotions with your child. 

Tips: 

• You don’t always need to talk about resolving the feelings or discuss how the problem in the story will be resolved. Just labeling the feeling is enough to start. Similarly, you don’t always need to relate the character's feeling to a time when your child felt that same way, especially with negative emotions. It may be too direct, offputting, or confusing.
• Include emotional affect in your tone to help your child make sense of the feelings being conveyed in the book. In an excited voice, “Look, Spot is so happy! He found his Mama!” 

3. Play!

Open-ended play allows toddlers to express their feelings by providing a safe place to make sense of the world. Through play, children can explore feelings such as fear and excitement while hiding or playing peek-a-boo, frustration and pride while building block towers, joy and care while playing with baby dolls, sadness or feelings related to separation while playing with a set of animal figurines. These feelings may be verbalized or quietly considered but they are owned, created, and experienced by the child. They may be reflected upon deeply or in passing.

Open-ended play is meant to be without structure, which allows children to play freely without feeling pressured to perform or achieve a specific outcome. Children get to have agency and come up with how they want to move the play forward, if they want to at all. 

Tips:

• To help a child engage in open-ended play, and stay with it for a bit, parents can layer in sensory play materials to encourage deeper exploration as well as an element of soothing comfort. For example, this can include: Animal figurine families (three little horses of different sizes) with a big ball of playdough, wooden peg dolls in a sandbox or sand table with cups and paper towel tubes, baby dolls and wash clothes and soap containers at bath time, stuffed animals with a doll bed, silk scarves, and tea candles as night lights.
• Don’t ask your child if they want to play, just set up the materials while they are otherwise occupied and let them discover the fun.
• Set it up near to where you are (whether it's in the kitchen or wherever your work area is) because ultimately your child does want to be near you. 
• You don’t necessarily need to be involved in the play. If your child needs you down on the ground with them to get the play going, that’s fine, but try to follow their lead, narrate what they are doing a bit, add some emotional expression, and also be sure to leave room for quiet reflection. Let them drive, though.

At the heart of toddler behavior is their emotional life and their dual search for security and independence. Support their ability to express what they are feeling, as well as their overall emotional development, by modeling and mirroring feelings, introducing emotional language through the use of picture books, and support their emotional understanding and reflection through open-ended play.