Tantrums are angry or emotional outbursts, often exhibited by young children or those who are not yet able to regulate their emotions, when sad, disappointed, or angry. 

Sometimes, a tantrum escalates to meltdown status, which is characterized by a state of total sensory-emotional overwhelm. Sometimes, tantrums are quickly resolved. But most often, tantrums need to be managed and responded to, in whichever way the adult choses, until they resolve.

While we can’t always control or stop a tantrum from happening, parents can change how they themselves react to minimize a tantrum and to support their child as they grow in their ability to regulate their emotions independently. 

We spoke with Emily Andrews M.S. Ed, our early childhood development specialist about what parents can do or say when their child is having a tantrum.

1. Be with them. Don’t walk away. Sit nearby but not too, too close. Just your presence helps them to feel grounded and not alone with their overwhelming feelings. 
2. Try giving affirmation. You can intermittently say quiet, little affirming things like, “I know.” “It’s so hard.” “You are sad.” “I’m here.” If they are negatively reacting to your utterances, dial it back and sit calmly and quietly for a bit. 
3. Offer a choice. Get down to their level and give your child a choice that can both redirect their attention and empower them. Sometimes tantrums are born from feeling disempowered, controlled, or disappointed that they can not do something that they want to do, typically something that allows them to be independent. If that’s the case, give your child a choice. Preferably one in which both options are ones that you would like. “Would you like to go upstairs for a bubble bath or have a little snack while we read a book?” 
4. Empathize. Show that you understand by saying back to them what they are saying, avoid reiterating the limit or making suggestions for alternatives. “You really, really wanted a cherry popsicle.” (Don’t add a limit or solution here. No need to add: “But there aren’t any left” or suggest: “How about a chocolate one?”) Just empathize in one or two sentences so they know you understand. 
5. Offer a previously agreed upon calming/sensory soothing option. “I see that you are really mad but I won’t let you hit/kick me.” Offering your hand, you can say, “let’s go sit together on the calming down couch. Calm our bodies together. Maybe that will help.” Notice I didn’t say, “would you like to go sit on the calming down couch?” If you ask it as a question they will likely say no. If they decline going to the agreed upon place to soothe themselves with your help, don’t force it. Sit quietly. If they are old enough you can revisit it later and see if they can reflect on why that didn’t feel like a good option at the time. You can reflect as well. You likely already know why.

Using the right tone

The tone really needs to be supportive, understanding, and genuine. You need to come in as the person that knows what’s happening and is strong enough to handle the big feelings without being shaken or becoming deregulated yourself. Deep breaths are a good strategy to help parents themselves stay calm. You are there to let your child know that they are safe, that you are steady and ready to be there for this, and that you will ride it out while giving them the space and the co-regulation that they need to move through this scary and overpowering experience.

Final thoughts

One other tip, check your own beliefs. If you are of the mind that your child is being  manipulative then it is going to be hard to empathize and soothe them. It’s not a script, it’s a vibe. You have to believe that your child genuinely feels sad, mad, and overwhelmed by their feelings. If you view the tantrum as a manipulation it will impact your response and your child will feel that which will make it harder to move forward and past it. If you view the tantrum as communication, and respond accordingly, your child will feel more supported and will move out of the tantrum more readily. This is not being overly permissive. It’s about being with them, in the way that they need, when they need their safe adult most. Outside of that moment, not during the tantrum, that’s when we can build skills for regulation and talk about managing disappointment but in the moment check your own thermometer and be present for them in a calm, warm, and supportive way.