“Are you even listening to me!?”
Spoiler alert: If you’re pushed to shout this out of frustration while your children are ignoring you, the answer to the question is definitely “no.”
So how do you talk so children will not only listen, but also learn? Let’s discuss!
Why effective communication is so important
The words you’re speaking as a parent are important not only for helping things go to plan in the here and now, but also to help your child bring in new information and grow as a person. Even if the words you’re saying are just “Please put away your shoes” the lesson behind the words is “take care of your belongings and be respectful of shared space.” That’s a good lesson but it can get lost if effective communication skills aren’t used.
Of course, communication is a two way street. As parents we want to help our children learn to speak in a respectful, empathetic, and clear way so that other people will hear, acknowledge, and perhaps even act on their words. For example, screaming “I want cookies!” so loud the neighbor’s dog has to cover his ears is not strong communication. But a calm and polite “Mom, it’s been a rough day at school because I was feeling lonely. Can we please sit and talk about it over some cookies?” would be WAY more effective.
Strong communication between you and your child therefore makes sense for while you’re all trying to peacefully coexist under one roof, and for your child’s future development.
How to help your child learn to communicate effectively
The classic parenting book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk offers important advice on this topic and can be broken down into three major tenants:
1. Feelings Matters
Little kids have big feelings they are trying to manage through, and they don’t yet have the coping mechanisms to do that. We’ve all learned a lot from Daniel Tiger and his incredibly patient mother, but even with Daniel’s “take a deep breath and count to four when you’re mad” tool in their tiny tool belts, children are still going to experience feelings and react to them.
When children act out or display “bad” behavior, their actions are typically stemming from feelings that are driving their behavior. Taking a pause to understand if your child is angry, frustrated, or nervous can help you address the real issue. For example, if a child is throwing a fit at soccer practice it may be because they’re scared of being with new friends on the field, not that they’re trying to embarrass you in front of the other parents. Sitting down with your child to figure out what is really bothering them about soccer and then acknowledging that those feelings are valid goes a long way in teaching children how to use their words. You’ll also have a much easier time figuring out what words YOU should use so your children will feel heard and will listen.
2. Cooperation > Punishing
Timeouts and grounding are very tempting punishments, and ones that many of us have used to handle poor behavior from our children. (Seriously, we’ve all been there!) But if the goal is to teach our children effective communication strategies, shutting them out isn’t the answer.
Instead, talking with your child to explain why their behavior is disruptive or harmful or dangerous is a better way to help them learn. For example, if a child colored all over the dining room walls, the first step would be to identify the issue, “Wow, that’s a lot of marker colorings on the wall,” and then use your words to help your children learn why that’s a problem. “You see, when you color on the walls instead of paper, the paint that Mommy and Daddy put there is covered up and to see the paint again we need to spend a lot of time cleaning it instead of playing.”
Next you take the collaborative part of this equation to the next level by finding a solution together. Asking questions like “Where do you think we should color next time?” and “What should we do now to clean up the dining room together?” help a child learn to problem solve, plus this way of speaking is better for their self-esteem.
Now of course there are going to be times when to keep your child safe you need to raise your voice to be heard and you won’t have time to have a calm collaborative discussion. Like when your little daredevil is trying to jump off the top of the swingset to see if he can fly… In those situations, do what you’ve got to do to stop the madness, and then talk it out after.
3. Build them up (within reason!)
There’s a fine line between over hyping your kids and helping them become confident people. You don’t want them walking around thinking they are the best at everything, but you do want them to feel good about themselves so they can speak with confidence and listen with a growth mindset.
How do you do that with communication? One way is to think about how you’re praising your children.
Not every child is the “best dancer to ever grace the stage” but every child has something unique about them that is praiseworthy. For example “I love seeing how you cheer on your friends in class” or “It’s awesome how you don’t give up when learning a new dance step when it’s hard at first.” This type of specific praise builds up self-confidence and isn’t fluffy. Children will take in this information about themselves and learn to continue applying it in life, instead of hearing “You’re amazing at everything!” and then going out and living their lives as if “They’re amazing at everything!” We don’t need more of that!
In summary!
Teaching communication skills to children is a really difficult part of parenting. While this may seem simple written down on the page, we know in practice this takes well, practice!
Do your best to incorporate these tenants into your parenting strategy, and give yourself a break when it doesn’t all go perfectly. Teaching children that we all make mistakes and continue to learn is an important lesson too!
